What do YOU do when it gets COLD?
@ +70 degrees Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal
underwear. People in West Virginia go swimming in the Rivers.
@ +60 degrees North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in West Virginia plant gardens.
@ +50 degrees Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in West Virginia sunbathe.
@ +40 degrees Italian & English cars won't start.
People in West Virginia drive with the windows down.
@ +32 degrees Distilled water freezes.
In West Virginia the Tygart River water gets darker.
@ +20 degrees Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves,
and
woolly hats. People in West Virginia throw on a flannel shirt.
@ +15 degrees Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in West Virginia have the last cookout before it gets
cold.
@ +10 degrees People in Miami all die.
Elkins High students lick the flagpole.
@ - 20 degrees Californians fly away to Mexico. People in West
Virginia get out their winter coats.
@ - 40 degrees Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in West Virginia are selling cookies door to
door.
@ - 60 degrees Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
West Virginia Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes
until it
gets cold enough.
@ - 80 degrees Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in West Virginia rent some videos.
@ - 100 degrees Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
WVU students get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
@ - 297 degrees Microbial life no longer survives on dairy
products. Cows in West Virginia complain about farmers
with cold hands.
@ - 460 degrees ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the
Kelvin scale). People in West Virginia start saying, "What are
you going to do
when it gets cold?"
@ - 500 degrees Hell freezes over.
The Mountaineers win a Bowl Game!
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West "by God" Virginia
After University of Pittsburgh coach Dave Wannstedt passes away and enters
the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Dave a little 2-bedroom
house with a faded University of Pittsburgh banner hanging from the front
porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get
their own house up here," God explains.
Dave looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on
the top of the hill. It's a huge 2-story mansion with white marble columns
and little patios under all of the windows. West Virginia University
Mountaineer flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge blue and gold
banner hanging between the marble columns. "Thanks for the home, God, but
let me ask you a question. How come I get this little 2-bedroom house
with a faded Pitt Banner, and Rich Rodriguez gets a mansion with new
Mountaineer banners and flags flying all over the place? Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies,
"That's not Rich Rodriguez's' house. That's mine."
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St. Peter is escorting a soul
through heaven and is asked why there is a section that is walled-off. He
replies: "Oh, that's where we put the West Virginians. Otherwise they try to
go back home on the weekend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Due to the climate of political correctness
now pervading America,
West Virginians will no longer be referred
to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I married a moonshiner's daughter
and I love her still
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A ventriloquist was entertaining at a bar in
Clarksburg. The audience was getting restless and irritated at his
stupid hillbilly jokes when one gentleman stood up and said, "West
Virginian's are not all stupid"
The ventriloquist began to apologize, but the man says, "You stay out
of this mister, I'm talking to the mouthy little jerk on your knee!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If the end of the world comes, I
hope to be in West Virginia.
Everything happens 20 years later here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to try
and find the best college for him. His first stop was at Florida St.
When he got there, Bobby Bowden immediately picked up a golden telephone.
After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. This
shocked the young man. He asked the
coach what was so special about the golden phone. "Well, this phone is a
direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be
stars at our university.
The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he
should pick "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,000. Calling
Heaven ain't cheap."
The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along.
His next stop was Michigan. Upon entering Lloyd Carr's office, Coach Carr
immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he
said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those
phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should
pick?" Lloyd said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $750. Calling Heaven
isn't cheap.." Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left.
His last stop was in Morgantown, WV. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Rich
picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung
up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to
use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I
should choose. From Florida it was going to cost me $1000. From Michigan
they wanted $750. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here in
Morgantown?"
The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."
GO Mountaineers !!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forget Rednecks, here is what
Jeff Foxworthy has to say about West Virginians...
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live
in West Virginia.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work
there, you may live in West Virginia.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in West
Virginia.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you may live in West Virginia.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Charleston for the Weekend, you
may live in West Virginia.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in West Virginia.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live
in West Virginia.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
you may live in West Virginia.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
without flinching, you may live in West Virginia.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you may live in West Virginia.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in West Virginia.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may
live in West Virginia.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody
is passing you, you may live in West Virginia.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow, you may live in West Virginia.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction, you may live in west virginia .
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in
West Virginia.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in West Virginia.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your West
Virginia friends & others, you definitely live in West Virginia. |
